I don’t think anyone ever expected us to be where we are today. I loved my marriage. My husband was my best friend and when we met, we quickly became inseparable. I met Jesus through him. We did everything together and I believed in him and he believed in me. We were the perfect match…but in July 2019 my husband and I got divorced after 20 years of an almost perfect marriage. This December, I’m broken, betrayed, alone…and having to go through my first Christmas as a newly divorced mom. 

I would say that most of our marriage and time together was wonderful. I felt happiest when we attended our children’s school functions and when I watched him preach to and reach the lost.  Truly, I admired (and still do!) his gifts from God. He has a beautiful way of summing up the gospel and re-enacting it on stage. Seeing the kids responding to the messages, praising God and giving their lives over to Christ, made life meaningful for us.

However, everything changed a few years ago. A few things transpired which led to the beginning of the end of us. I came to realise that we entered the marriage led by our emotions rather than God. My ex-husband and I were both broken when we met: I was abused as a child and raped as a young adult. I did not have a father in my life so I developed negative survival mechanisms just to get by. He grew up rejected by his own father and was bullied for his appearance throughout his school carrier. While still enduring this, he lost his best friend in his final year of high school due to a tragic car accident. We both learned ways to carry on with life, without really ever dealing with our trauma. 

Over the course of time, whilst serving in church, God exposed these areas of our lives that needed our attention. As we tried to navigate the last four years of anguish, fights and counselling, it dawned on me that the past had really caught up with us. We got to a point where we became so desperate to see less of our brokenness and more of God’s strength! We knew that God needed to cleanse us before he could fully use us but unfortunately, it was during this vulnerable time that the enemy was able to completely tear us apart. The enemy comes to kill, steal & destroy… and he succeeded with us. 

After the divorce, I also realised that because I did not know Jesus before I met my husband, I relied heavily on him to point me to the truth. Even though it is something I am learning to do on my own, I acknowledge a lot of good things that I learned from my ex:

• Trust God no matter what.
• Make wise decisions.
• Always treat people well.

Today marks two years after our separation and six months after our divorce, and I am learning so many things on my own: 

• I am not responsible for my husband’s choices.
• It was not my fault.
• Jesus is my only HOPE.
• If I want to overcome, I MUST walk through the pain & hurt, there is no way around it.
• ONLY Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I cannot get to my Father in Heaven any other way.
• The gate to heaven is very narrow, it is difficult to find. More often than not, it is so painful that sometimes that you can’t breathe.
• DEATH seems the easier choice, but LIFE is the ONLY choice.
• God puts a net of LOVE around us so we don’t give up.
• God works everything for the good for those who love Him.

It hurts to face the fact that I was not able to save my marriage. All I can do is hang onto the hem of Jesus’ garment and praise Him ’til the end. This Christmas, I get to spend the day with my 3 beautiful daughters and my son-in-law to be. He did not ask to see the kids this year but I am truly grateful to have my mom-in-law staying with me and providing support. His seat, as the head of our home, is empty.  A new wave of pain washes over me every time I am conscious of it.  Someone recently said that I would always be conscious of the loss but that my perspective and my approach to the pain is what will bring about healing and victory.

Even though you might be going through tremendous pain and loss, there is a peace of God that surpasses all understanding. In my life, I feel it flooding through the house again, that is what binds us for life. I remain exceedingly blessed!

Blog Post by Katja Morris

Katja Morris is living in Cape Town with her kids and working as a travel consultant.